A certain kind of brokenness.
There is a certain kind of brokenness that might draw a person into a career supporting others in their most vulnerable experiences.
I don’t think it’ll be any great shock to those of you that know me that I am very into birth. I love getting to witness birthing people step into a greater strength than they knew existed. It’s become a cliche to say this, but there’s nothing like watching a parent be born.
But did you know that it’s my own codependence that brought me here? That may be TMI, but, ya know, sorrynotsorry. 🤷🏻♀️
We all have a way of “surviving” childhood. For some, it’s because they have tricky family dynamics and life is hard for all of us. For others, it’s more a literal survival instinct that kicks in because the hand they were dealt was a lot harder for them. Wherever you fall on that scale, though, you had(have) a thing that got you through.
My “thing” was prioritizing the needs of those around me, allowing the mood and tone of life to be set by the people I had deemed more deserving of our shared emotional space than myself. My internal self-righteousness was powered by martyrdom. My familial and social value came from being of service, creating a dependency so that I could fill my need to be needed, and the cycle continued. YIKES.
I’ve had a lot of counseling. I mean ALOT of counseling. Even multiple counselors at different stages of life. But it wasn’t until my most recent stint that I was told something beautiful: Your codependency needs to be acknowledged to be worked through, but your codependency isn’t inherently bad.
I pushed for examples, and the first one that popped into my counselor’s mind was this: Think of a personal assistant. They exist to make their employers’ lives easier. Their worth is in their ability to anticipate needs. Arguably, they would not be considered a good assistant if they were asking for their boss to meet their needs as well. That’s not how that relationship is designed to function. That’s a healthy version of codependence. (stopping here to allow time for you all to make mental lists of the jobs that are essentially paid codependency. i’lll wait.)
Finally, it clicked for me. The story arc of the work I do and the career path I’ve been following looks the way that it does because it’s the first time that my childhood coping mechanism doesn’t leave me feeling crappy. In fact, it’s exactly this thing that makes me so great at what I do. All this time I’ve been getting paid and even promoted for being great at being codependent.
y’all.
Fast forward to a few years into my full-time doula gig. Make sure to skip over the ugly crying emotional breakthroughs in my counselor’s office. I’ve changed my perspective: In channeling this tendency in a healthy way, I’m actually creating more room to allow myself to release the same habits in the relationships wherein they don’t belong. Now here I am deeply grateful for my codependence. If it weren’t for my need to be needed, I might never have signed on to do this kind of work. And if it weren’t for this kind of work, I would never get to feel like my brokenness is actually my superpower.